Aim was awesome at this traveling stuff so I followed her lead. She took care of the flights, hotels, restaurants, and even making sure we had "happy wedding" candy waiting for us at the hotel.... I had no idea I had married a part-time travel agent. I love her to death, and the thought of spending two weeks alone with no worries on beaches 1/2 way around the world sounded great. Ironically, I'm not much of a traveler. I am a huge fan of creature comforts like my blankets and the nook my ass has made in my new couch.
We took an early morning flight out of JFK airport on United Airlines. For this honeymoon we splurged with first class, and had no idea what we were in for. The restaurant-like food, warm cookies with milk, a chair like a bed and movies. No wonder I didn't like traveling, apparently I was doing it all wrong before! To top it off, the flight attendant was tipped off that we were just married and popped us open a bottle of champaign. Its good to be the king. I was in a state of euphoria and didn't want the flight to end. With Aim's movie headphones on I turn to her..
Me - "Aim, I love United"
Aim - "Oh honey, I love you too. I love you so much"
OK, so what the hell do you do with this? A few minutes later I turned into Larry David and tried to explain the situation. It should have been a United commercial.
We stayed in Sydney for a week, then traveled up to the Gold Coast. After a few days on the beaches we flew up to Airlie Beach, which is the greatest backpacker town next to the Great Barrier Reef.
The concept of a boat has always thrilled me. 70% of the earth is covered by water, and to think that if you own a boat you can explore all kinds of cool unknown places. You don't even need gas! I have never been on a real boat in the ocean, so you could imagine how excited I was when we made the plans to take one out for a 5 day exploration of the reef.
Our boat was about 40ft long, and we were the crew. There were two other couples, one in their early 30s, the other in late 40s, and only one of them had ever been sailing before. We stocked up the boat, got a tour on how it works, and within an hour we were sailing. I was so excited, I felt like BOB!
Day 1 - I'M SAILING! This was going to be the greatest thing Aimee and I had ever done. Its good to be the king, but pirates are cooler. As we taxi out (yeah, no idea on the terminology), our first adventure begins. They sky over the ocean had started to go black, the radio was going crazy with people talking, and we were headed right into a storm.
It felt like a 7 person orchestra with one guy who knew how to play. We were 15 minutes into the trip and the skipper was considering turning around. If we had waited 5 minutes longer the port would have not let us leave because of the wind / waves. But we were in it now, game on. The skipper stood at the steering wheel and called out orders for each of us to quickly pull and release random ropes. We were moving fast and the waves were getting huge. The boat was tipped so far to the side the deck was going under water. We were no longer standing on the deck, but rather on railings and other sticking out of the boat. It was awesome.. AARHHGG
Hours later, the sun set and things calmed. We were alone, anchored in between islands somewhere out in the reef. Hundreds of miles from any real civilization, the sky was as clear as I had ever seen. Thousands and thousands of stars above an ink black ocean. It was beautiful, but I was tired and it was time for bed.
We had reserved the largest room on the ship 9 months earlier. We had a private bathroom and a queen size bed. Not very pirate like, but I do need my pampering after a hard day of sailing. The other quarters were more like bunk beds folded into closets,with a shared common bathroom. We got very lucky with this one, and it was a source of jealousy on the ship. The other people were cool, so I was going to have fun with this a bit.
At dinner one of the other sailors asks me "How big is that private bathroom?" My only reply was "Which one?" We got a good laugh, but little did I know the joke was on me.
The gentle rocking of the boat, the soft breeze of sea air and relaxing sounds of rippling water splashing against the side of our boat made me want to shoot myself. Aim was fast asleep and I can see that the sun would be rising soon. As if a switch went off in my brain, my body said - get the hell out of this room and never go under this deck again. I slowly walked up to the deck and watched the sun rise.
Day 2 - The next day we picked places on the map to explore with our pirate boat. The weather was clear and temperature warm, it was a good day for sailing. For lunch the skipper docked us in the middle of the ocean and promised to show us something. As the hour went by an island appeared from beneath the water. It was the largest sandbar you had ever seen, and during low tide becomes its own island. HOW COOL IS THAT. Aimee and I got onto the new island and I claimed it. The land was short lived after the tide changed.
The night began the same way as the night before, but this night I was going to sleep on the deck like a real man. Using a life vest as a pillow, I begin my night. It wasn't long before I realized this was bad. No matter what I did the constant rocking was never going to stop. I had 3 nights left. I said to myself - Stop being such a bitch , just get some rest. A few hours later I sat there starring off into the ocean waiting for the sun.. as it began to rain.
Day 3 - We took out the map, and I looked for land. I needed to get onto land and I didn't care what anyone said. We found a pristine beach that could have been on a postcard, and I laid there flat on my back praying for the end.
Back on the boat my wife started hinting that my hygiene was suffering from my boycott of the lower deck. Until this point I had figured out cleaver ways of avoiding this inevitable slice of hell. As I begin my decent into hell the stale smell of boat sent me back on deck. I thought OK- 2 minutes of brushing according to the ADA, no more. Can I hold my breath for that long? I think I can do 1.5 Min, which gives me one or two breaths max down there. Here we go. I run, down into the bathroom, close the door, grab any brush and put on the paste. The countdown is on. 15 seconds in I hear and feel something strange about this room. Was the sink breathing? Every time the boat would rock the sink would take in air and then release it back.. strange. Everything going well, 1 minute in, time for a breath. It was a cheep shot and a devastating blow to my plan. After days at sea all of the wastewater for the boat was sloshing around in a storage tank under our sink. Locked in and now dry heaving I continue to try to brush. The 2 inch vent is just enough for me to mash my face into for a clean breath of air, but the toothpaste now coming out of my nose makes it impossible to breath. Brushing and dry heaving with toothpaste all over my face I run back up on deck. No more for me.
That night I did not attempt to get to comfortable. The constant drizzling would make any comfort impossible, so I took my shirt off and sat at the tip of the boat all night. It was cold. It sucked.
Day 4 - We are somewhere in the ocean, no land in site. We had less then 48 hours left on this boat. The night is my enemy, and I dread it like in the movie Silent Hill. The day went by in a big blur as I haven't gotten sleep in days. Again, I laid out my towels on the deck and curl up into a ball. My delusional state is working for me now as the night rains role on in. I felt nothing and finally got some rest. 4 days of not sleeping will do that to a man.
Day 5 - I hated pirates and I didn't want to be one anymore. I had lost my mind. The only relevant measure of time was how many hours until we got back to port and I could walk on land. Everyone was getting anxious to get off the boat, which made me feel great. It was almost like we were hating the boat together as a team. As sick as it sounds I liked that.
I had learned one very important lesson from this trip.
Every man has their limits, but most do no reach theirs on their honeymoon. This memory is priceless and worth 100x more than the cost associated with making it happen. I love land, United, and Aim. Aim - Thank you for this memory. I had a great time with you honey!
I think my dad said it best when he said "I will refund everyone's money to turn this boat around". But that is another memory for another time.
Happy Points for getting off of the boat alive = +1007
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